Forgive, or Not Forgive?

We've all likely been wounded by the actions or words of others—perhaps enduring a parent's relentless harsh criticism, being sabotaged, having our feelings dismissed in a hurtful and disrespectful manner, or even being abused. These painful experiences can leave us with lingering feelings of frustration, bitterness, anger, and even hatred.

Forgiveness and letting go can be incredibly difficult, especially when the person who hurt you refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or you never got closure from that person’s misconduct. This leaves you feeling stuck in a dilemma: should you just forgive and move on, or fight for justice?

Many self-help books emphasize compassion, patience, and gratitude, and some teach recognizing the benefits of forgiveness, practicing empathy, and shifting perspective. These approaches could be valuable, yet it remains profoundly difficult to forgive or simply let go of the feeling of being a victim of unfairness and mistreatment.

Forgiveness is deemed sensible, but if we force ourselves to forgive without addressing the pain within, the forgiveness might only be superficial or even pretentious. Our moral code might coax ourselves to be kind and forgiving, yet the pain and resentment could remain buried deep inside.

Forgive or Not—It’s Your Choice

Let's consider another approach. Forgive or not forgive? The choice is yours. You may or may not choose to forgive, and that's perfectly okay. You don't need to feel guilty for not forgiving or reconciling with those who have harmed you. Instead, focus on healing and returning to your inner peace.

Given the choice, you likely wouldn't want to hold on to grudges and resentments that prolong your suffering. But the painful emotions and unforgettable remembrances hinder your ability to move forward and heal. Once these emotions are released, you're no longer retained by them. You will be able to step back and view the situation as an outsider, recognizing its absurdity—like watching a drama on reality TV or listening to someone else's story.

Ultimately, the question isn't about forgiveness—it's about how to free yourself from pain and unburden yourself of past memories. Here’s a case study of traumatic memory that leverages eye movement to relieve the pain.

Case Study - Letting Go of Painful Feelings First

A client, Ben, was consumed with anger and frustration towards his mother, feeling she didn’t care about his feelings. He rated his emotional intensity beyond the highest score of 10, as if his emotions were shooting off the roof. During the eye movement exercise, he made steady progress in alleviating the anger, while experiencing shifting physical sensations in various parts of his body. Initially, he had a minor headache, followed by a release of tension in his neck and shoulders. As the headache subsided, the tension moved to his chest.

At one point, he found himself unable to relieve the anger any further, tormented by conflicting thoughts and feelings inside his head. I asked him, "Is it because you actually don’t want to let go of the anger? Do you feel that letting go implies forgiving your mom?" This question revealed a dilemma: Ben wanted to heal and move on, yet unconsciously felt “responsible” for continuing the anger towards his mom because what she had done seemed “unforgivable.” As if he let go of the anger, he would “accidentally” forgive her, which is certainly not his intention. 

Surprised by this realization, Ben agreed that it was indeed the case. I guided him by saying, "Whether you forgive or not is your personal choice. You don’t have to forgive, and that’s okay. However, let go of the emotions that torment you.” I also asked him to repeat it to himself, with great certainty, “I don’t want to be tormented by my anger anymore. I want to be free and healed. I want to release the pain inside my body.”

We continued the eye movement, and also incorporated simple breathwork. While inhaling, focus on the emotions and bodily sensations; while exhaling, release the painful feelings and tension. We worked on this issue for about an hour to drop to a score of 4 out of 10. Given the gravity of the situation, it would take more time for him to fully relax since this is not a single incident but a complex conflict intertwined with moral dilemmas between him and his mother.

Find Your Inner Peace

Negative emotions fuel the internal conflicts, whether within ourselves or with others. Healing, therefore, is about freeing ourselves from these emotions and returning to inner peace.

Here comes the metaphysical standpoint, it is crucial to recognize that the world is a grand illusion filled with endless struggles and conflicts. The world is inherently dualistic, divided into good and evil, prey and predator, you could never stop villains from emerging. While we can strive to bring better warmth and love into the world, it's important not to overstretch ourselves, as this only invites more tension and agony, which could potentially turn our good intentions and passion into hatred and cause further divisions among people. Occasionally, we just need to let go, there is no ultimate justice or fairness; chasing the unattainable comes at the expense of your inner peace.